Don't ask, Don't tell !!!

There are topics that are foreign to us but the lack of familiarity hardly stops us from airing our asinine opinions, incoherent and ill-informed, most times. One such topic is homosexuality. Everybody has a view on it, many a time so insensitive, one forgets the humane aspect. Am not going to define homosexuality, I presume readers know what homosexuality means. In a world of media paroxysm, ignorance is not bliss anymore. This subject is as germane as global economy, poverty and sickness, climate change and other developmental issues of today. Times have changed certainly, the unprecedented evolution of the Gay community in arts, media, politics and entertainment has transformed cultures and consciousness of people all over, giving homosexuals the podium they deserve. Their emergence as a force has also resulted in appropriate emphasis being laid on the aetiology, treatment and psychological aspects concerning homosexuality. However this is just a fragment of the whole untold story.

Am not a whiz on religion, so I will not get into the religious aspect of this subject but it is common knowledge that no religion preaches discrimination of any sorts. Scientists have concluded after thorough research that homosexuality cannot be ‘cured’ as hoped by religious groups. It is not a mental illness as some people perceive it to be. The causes for homosexuality have not been clearly understood but most modern scientists have found enough evidence to suggest that genetics, the effects of pre-natal hormones while developing in the mother’s womb and environment have a big influence in the sexual orientation of a person. It is known that heterosexuality is backed by a theory as well but hasn’t been discussed in as much detail, hence the notion that homosexuality as sexual orientation is out of the ordinary. The question still lingers, Nature or Nurture !!!

When a homosexual person keeps his sexual orientation to himself, he is deemed to be ‘closeted’.When he comes out in the open about his sexual orientation he is deemed to have‘come out of the closet’. In a world where homosexuality carries a tag, I can’t fathom why someone would want to ‘come out of the closet’ when he feels unprepared to face the cynics. Homosexuals are often subjected to heartlessness, intimidation and provocation, giving them more than one reason not to ‘come out’.It basically stems from the attitude of the people around, the assumptions from the lack of knowledge, the lack of tolerance from family, friends and acquaintances, co-workers and the general public who strangely have no relationship with the person in question. How can harassment of any nature make it uncomplicated for a person to live a normal life let alone as a homosexual?

Most of us are raised in heterosexual environments, in households where men bring in the bacon and women bind the household together. Growing up homosexual in such an environment without a doubt results in confusion and uncertainty, fear of being discriminated against and fear of being ostracised in the event of coming out. Most of us belong to families and societies, which have much to say in the event of a crisis, not to forget the sadistic pleasure one derives in witnessing the downfall of a family or a person. Each wants to be superior to the other. In very few cases does the family come together after an event of such gargantuan proportions, in most cases it creates emotional distress for whole family.

Many researchers have discussed theories and models of the development of homosexual identity. The most prominent among them is Dr Richard R Troiden’s four step sociological model of homosexual Identity formation, the stages being Sensitisation, Identity Confusion, Identity Assumption and Commitment. In the first stage, which happens before puberty he describes children feeling ‘different’ from their peers of the same gender, this has more to do with gender identity than sexuality. It is common for parents to pull children away from activities that are not perceived to be in tune with their gender. Children who display non-conformist behaviour are often coerced by parents to follow the norm, resulting in confusion and assuming heterosexual identity. This is when the feeling of inversion begins, a conflict of gender assumption arises, resulting in decline of self esteem and alienation. While they do not consider themselves heterosexuals anymore, they don’t identify as being homosexual either. In the third stage they embark upon a self identification process along with being presented an identity by their other homosexual peers, the process of coming out to themselves and to their peers. This is the process of self recognition and acceptance. The final stage is when the person assumes the lifestyle and choices of a homosexual, starts feeling comfortable in his identity.

Homosexuality is here to stay and society is gradually realising the same and making a change towards the positive. However, I believe the change has to start from the family. How can we expect the society to accept a person’s sexual orientation, when such acceptance is not forthcoming from the family? Most homosexuals feel vindicated once their family has accepted them for who they are. We face a lot of discrimination in the world, socio-economic, racial, gender, albeit changes over time, we recognise these discriminations still exist. We live in a homophobic society, we must acknowledge discrimination against homosexuals will be around for a while but we must not stop hoping for the better.

We are all part of the circle of life, there are ups and downs, parallels and perpendiculars, confirmations and contradictions we deal with, everyday of our lives. In the confines of this big circle, we ought to live with respect for humanity most of all, the rest will follow on its own.

It could be your child, show compassion!!!

The Pot calling the Kettle 'black' !!!

I have always felt very strongly about this issue and I seethe with anger when people make insensitive remarks about a person’s colour. Racial discrimination is often associated with the western world but are we in a position to judge??? Aren’t Indians racists themselves??? We condone it, we don't have the strictures to punish culprits and we also encourage it. The Pot calling the Kettle black!!!

Living in Africa, it’s embarassing when I am looked at as White. That does not mean am respected for my colour. Like anywhere in the world, Indians belong to a group of intellectuals and traders here. However, we are known more for being petty, miserly and egotistical. We are also known to live unremarkable lives. Our own refer to their staff  and unskilled workers as 'Kale'. Do they not have names or occupations??? Don't they deserve some respect??? It makes me shudder everytime.

Back home in India, I am called ‘black’ by an extended family member, someone, who is a few shades darker than I am. If that is not called racism, what is??? I am asked to use ‘Fair and Lovely’, I refuse because my mirror says I am ‘fair’ and lovely. Has anyone become fair and lovely after use, I would like to know. I have had teachers in school sending me to the sidelines in favour of the fair and lovely. I didn’t realise it till someone pointed it out. I have never paid any attention to my colour or somebody else’s, have never wondered how different it would be if I were light skinned. Credit must be given to my parents for not making me feel any different.

The fact that India is divided into North and South India itself has racial connotations, is it not?? The social and political ethos of the country actually promotes caste, gender and racial discriminations and we are shamelessly not shameful. We have become characterised by reservations. I understand it is difficult to demolish caste systems. However, I see no effort being made in that direction either. Infact, the root of this evil is getting stronger and deeper. The only people who deserve concessions and reservations, in my opinion, are those belonging to the economically backward.

Let’s do a check on the matrimonial advertisements…a cry for a beautiful, slim and fair bride for a boy whose physical attributes don’t find a mention. He may not be Prince Charming but do they care??? I’ve heard eligible men proclaim ignorance when it comes to these advertisements. In my opinion, if they don’t stand up for what they believe in, they are guilty as charged. Ignorance is not bliss. At a wedding how many talk about the bridegroom and his physical attributes, the attention is solely on the bride, from what she wears, her clothes and jewellery, how close she is to that ‘yardstick’ and most importantly her colour. In a conversation, when a man or a woman is being described, one of the first characteristics that is talked about is his or her colour. In India, even in a Man’s world, is ‘tall, dark and handsome’ ever in use??? The ‘dark’ is always substituted by ‘fair’.

The racist attacks on Indians in Australia, sikhs being asked to take off their turbans at airports, muslims being given the dressing down, all of them have been condemned by the Indian Government in the strongest terms. How about starting from our own backyard??? I personally don’t like the term ‘Madrasi’. How can all South Indians be called ‘Madrasis’??? Doesn’t that carry a racial undertone??? What about ‘chinkies’ for North Easterners??? Haven’t they emphasised enough, they don’t approve of it??? How about treating foreigners of African origin right?? Most of them are students who come to India with a lot of expectations, the land of Mahatma Gandhi, the land of non-violence. How many have gone back home with happy memories?? They are ridiculed by adults and children alike, treated like animals and are victims of stares and nasty comments. On the other hand, 'Whites' are treated like Rockstars, people unabashedly patronise them from all directions, much to their annoyance.

The celebrities advocate liberalism, it’s a sign of modern India and they have to be part of it. Frontline Bollywood has a major stake in running the country. Their opinions from politics to sports are on the front pages. People want to see them and politicians exploit their status and vice-versa. A case of ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’. What is to be noticed, one hardly finds these celebrities partnering someone dark skinned or unattractive, whether they are actors , models or cricketers. They are the same group of people who advertise ‘Fair and Lovely’ and also preach liberalism. How bizarre!!!

We live in hypocrisy, where treating another with respect is an assignment, a task, where gender, class, caste and racial discriminations flow in our blood. We learn what our parents teach us. I believe discipline and respect is taught at home, not in school. When kids are not taught to respect humanity, no amount of education or religious beliefs can make their lives right. It’s time to break the cycle and it should start now.

Stop Racial Discrimination!!!

How judgemental!!!

I have always wondered!!! We do not live perfect lives and we are full of imperfections. Then why do we judge people? These days we are judged on how much money we have, how many properties we own, how aware we are of the fashion trends, where we eat, where we holiday and of all things if we know our English well. Are any of these linked to the people our parents want us to be? No!!! They were probably judged on how selfless they were, how hospitable and helpful. And most of us think they are not 'cool'.

I am not letting our immediate ancestors off the hook that easily. Am sure they want us to imbibe their value systems and beliefs and some of their incoherent formalities and superstitions. While most of us are still mamma's and pappa's babies ( not sure if it is out of compulsion or that is how they see themselves ), some of us have tried to make our own identities. Am sure this group does not want to be compared to their parents, not out of disrespect to them but out of a need to be themselves. Am going to refer to our ancestors as Gen W ( as wise people and as the generation that are ancestors to Gen X ). Gen W has a tendency to look at these different individuals as nut cases who have gone off the radar, rather than be appreciative of their effort to be their own persons.

Every generation I believe lives in its own universe. The environment keeps changing and hence a change in the behavioral pattern from generation to generation. Tolerance is the key word. Expectations of each other will remain but conflict of interests could be avoided if we could just understand each other's universe. Just to add, cruelty, crudity or arrogance will never be condoned.

As if expectations from our parents were not hammering enough, we have to tell people around us what is expected of them from our convenient point of view. Can't we be happy just judging ourselves? No!!! To each his own, is it not? We have our own thought process and we make our decisions based on them. At the end of the day it is happiness that we are thriving to achieve. Money and its accessories will come and go but I don't think that is a destination in itself. If there are people focusing primarily on money they are looking at a downfall. I am not trying to preach, money is important but to judge people on its basis seems a waste of time. And we have heard, the simplest of lives we lead, the happier we are.

It is the survival of the fittest in today's world and we could do well by just focusing on what is important to us and the environment we live in. Relationships with each element of the environment will have to be nurtured with soft hands. This definitely does not include bickering, back stabbing, judging, condescending or living selfishly.

Live and let live!!!