Pain in the............nose!!!

Have been having these illusions that I would look beautiful with my nose pierced. I had the same illusions thirteen years ago when I went ahead and got it done. In a year's time I was bored of it and realised it was doing nothing for me except giving me squint eyes.

In thirteen years time a lot has changed, the government has or should I say, governments have and in my case I have got married and shifted houses. However, in all these years my nose has constantly asked to be pierced. Finally, I had to yield. I pleaded with my little button nose to wait till I could ask for P's opinion. I have always checked with him. Do I listen to him??? nah!!! It was very painful the last time and it was done traditionally. P was around, not as a husband but as a boyfriend and I remember crying shamelessly in his presence, not because I wanted to but because my eyes did it involuntarily. Like I mentioned life has changed and these days the noses don't have to endure that pain. It is a simple gunshot and it does not hurt...so they tell you.

I tag P to the most fashionable jewellery store these days. The plush Joy Alukkas in a towering neat looking building in the heart of the city. We are inside and P continues to tell me he does not understand why I should go through that distressing procedure again. At the end of the day he only wants the best for me, so he takes me to the 'diamond' floor where not many people are lurking around. The counter staff is gleefully waiting for my mouth to open and ask for the biggest diamond there is. Poor souls!!! I tell them I want the smallest nose pin that is available with them. They show me big ones, then small ones, finally, out comes a baby. I hold it between my fingers and all I see are my two stubby fingers. I say..."yes, this is the one" and after I quickly look into their decorated mirror at my nose for its approval, I decide to go in for the piercing, which in my head is called...drilling.

The floor has a few customers around and plenty of staff having fun at our miseries. They gather around to witness the big event. I am given a tissue to wipe off all the grease and cold sweat, which is now starting to drip despite the airconditioned environment. I sit tightly and get ready for the drill. So tightly, that I can't move, my hands don't have to be tied to the chair. They are paralysed. The 'good Samaritan' holds the gun, squeezes a tiny little pin ( not my diamond ) at the end and gets into position beside my nose, not touching it yet. I may be shockingly stupid but I think one has the right to be stupid when one is ready to pee out of fright. I get a feeling he is aiming at my kohl lined eyes rather than my nose. I scream and ask him where he is aiming at. He says he is not in position yet and is admiring my lovely button nose. What is he looking at??? I don't have too much of a nose anyway. I wonder if he is thinking, " Does this fool really want to scar herself ??" Am ready and he is too. ........Pop goes the gun!!! One big POP!!! I feel something near my nose bridge and my accumulated tears come flowing down. There is no bucket and I flood their counter. Like a doctor, he explains why they are not tears of pain. I hear nothing. I feel chill. After a couple of minutes of lecture, he brings me more tissues and water. I feel overwhelmed, like I have just donated blood. Everybody is smiling around, like I just had a baby. P looks relieved. I look at my nose and I think to myself, "the baby looks hideous". We pay our bill and walk out of the store.

I am told this is a temporary arrangement and I could change into my diamond in a week's time. I count days, hours and even minutes. Finally the day has arrived for the pin to be replaced. P is at work. It is a Saturday and they are compensating for a lost day. I begin my surgical procedure at 18:30. P is home an hour later and am still at work. The stem goes in, but I can't seem to seal it from the inside of my nose. I have lots of reasons for it. The stem is too small, my nose is too small, so I can't work my fat fingers inside the hollow of my nose, and I have just two hands doing too many things at the same time. P gets into the act too. We toil for four hours. Thank heavens for the awesome biriyani he buys for dinner. That is the only happy moment of the evening. We give up and I sleep with the 'temp' in my nose..... without its leg. I can't screw that one too. Am screwed !!! I also have the 'temp' with its pointed edge poking the inside of my nose all night. When is the night going to end????

I wake up in the morning, and I take the stud off. It is only going to be a few hours before the Goldsmith helps me or I buy one with a longer stem. We go back to the store and tell them we have a problem. To my astonishment, the counter staff tells me the stem is the standard size. So, my nose is too faaaaat, that's confirmed. My nose too??? Am stumped!!! He ushers in the goldsmith who looks like he is going to war. Believe me he does. He fights a war with my nose. My nose cries, I cry and P paces the floor like I am delivering another baby. At at the end, the 'goldy' prevails. I am in pain but I am at peace. Now I have a tiny flicker of a diamond on my nose. It's more like one of those faint little stars trying to shine from up above.

Much ado about nothing!!!