A Lonely Place.....

It’s very difficult to define life, it would depend on how one looks at it. Life for me is a philosophical concept, not as much biological. I would like to hence make a demarcation between the ‘definition’ and ‘meaning’ of life. The meaning of life therefore would constitute the purpose and the significance of our existence here. In layman terms it would just mean I live life with a goal in mind and by measuring how my actions would affect my subsistence and of others around me. Life has to come to an end and death, as the end is called is what am going to talk about.

Death is termed as the termination of the biological functions that sustain a living organism or simply, the cessation of life. However these are medical definitions. Like someone said, and I agree, death is the permanent interruption of life. The questions remain, why is it so difficult to deal with death, why do we fear it, why do we evade a discussion on it??? Before I deal with the subject, I must warn readers, am agnostic, what I write in here is my outlook on life and death, am neither endorsing anyone’s point of view nor am I claiming knowledge of the subject in question. Please pardon me for my politically incorrect views on it.

We know death is inevitable, yet when it happens, one is wrapped in denial, grief, confusion, fear and anxiety. Yes, it does depend on one’s relationship with the person, how intensely close one is to the departed. There is absolutely nothing one can say or do to make a person in grief feel better. It has to be dealt with by the person who is suffering in his own way and time. Grief does have its own schedule though and it can be complicated and unpredictable. There are good days and extremely bad days. Time does heal but I can assure you, one never forgets the bad time, one just gains enough perspective to deal with the wave of emotions. A sense of loss prevails and there is a void, which cannot be filled but the best way to deal with it is to have faith in oneself and trust that the process of grieving gets easier with time. One has to remember life has to go on.

I know not everybody fears death. The positive would say life is to be ‘lived’ and when death knocks at one’s door, one has to face it square on. I do not fear death. I do not know how it feels to fear it. I must however admit I do fear my death for my loved ones. I am talking about premature death here. How prepared are they for such an eventuality??? How would they take it and how would they deal with it??? Like a friend once told me, I wouldn't be around to know. It’s true but I would dearly love it if they didn’t have to go through the emotions, I went through when a near and dear passed away. It’s paralysing to say the least. The monetary aspects can always be taken care of, I know it’s easier said than done, we see so much emphasis being laid on it but what about the emotional aspects??? I’ve heard spirituality helps and am sure spiritual souls would vouch for it. I know they develop the discipline to withstand pain and suffering but how different are they from us, how much more equipped than us, mere mortals???

They say it is unhealthy to talk about death as a subject or even joke about it. Why is it so??? It’s not something that can be predicted or controlled, yet, it’s taboo to mention it. In my view, the fear of the subject does indicate something. Is it the fear of being unprepared, is it the fear of crippling emotions in the immediate aftermath, is it the fear of not being able to complete what one has set out to do, is it the negativity or the fear of death itself??? Whatever it may be, one must understand that no one escapes death and by talking about it or joking about it, one does not become negative, evil or crazy. Death as a discussion should not be scary and termed unhealthy.

'Don't die wondering' is a saying that is so pertinent here. It would be nice to leave this world without regrets, it would be sad to leave without leaving a mark on the lives we outlive. We are born with nothing and we leave with nothing. It’s important that we live large and savour our moments here as long as we are around. Am not a spiritual person but I believe each of us is endowed with a personality that can be moulded to affect the lives around us positively, a word of caution, ignore Adam’s apple.

I am all for celebrating life and, celebrating people after their death, any ritual, ceremony or an event to commemorate those good souls is welcome. I have no objections to the ‘end of life’ rituals for the dying. It's meant to bring peace, acceptance of the situation and help let go of pain and suffering. Rituals after death are meant for the soul to rest in peace, may I dare say, also for a painless crossover. My point, why should we have rituals to aide such a passage or a peaceful afterlife, shouldn’t the person’s esteemed life on Earth be testament enough for an uneventful crossover??? Does it make sense to pray for a departed soul who has lived the most evil life on Earth??? To each is own and I leave it at that, except that I have an opinion on it.

Maybe death is a part of life…no one is immortal and life has an expiry date. One has to come to terms with this fact, that should be reason enough for us to live lives full, content, healthy and packed with humour and goodness. It’s important to live life on our own terms.

Every man dies, not every man lives.....

A year that was!!!

It’s been a year since we set shop at Lubumbashi. 'Time flies', 'time heals', 'time waits for no man' are all clichéd expressions but they are so true. These days it’s about ‘now or never’. ‘Grab the opportunity when it knocks’ are passé. It’s not about pausing anymore, it’s about marching ahead of time, it’s not about waiting for things to happen, it’s about making them happen. However, all these are meant for regular people. I personally love life quiet, balanced and laid back. Lubumbashi has provided just that. As a disclaimer, this is purely my account of life here and it has been nothing short of fascinating. For my not so open P, I know he is good for the ride. Period!!!

I can’t think of a single soul who was genuinely happy for us when we moved, not because we were moving but because we were moving to a malnourished economy in Africa, to untested waters in DR Congo, to an unheard destination called Lubumbashi. To start with, it was quite an effort to get people to pronounce Lubumbashi right. I see the glass half empty, I have a tendency to over analyse, albeit my skeptic nature, I was still excited and positive about the move. I made sure I read every bit on the place and the life here. I had heard a lot, courtesy P and his contacts here. I got nothing promising, despite that I was ready. Must confess, when I have a problem, P is my hotline. He has a solution every time, even where I see no hope. He is the kind who sees the glass half full. Maybe he has a secret stash of solutions. When I see hope in his eyes, I just go along blindly, when I see skepticism in him, I know it’s hopeless. About the relocation, I saw no skepticism but a lot of optimism and eagerness, a desire to do something out of the box. That enthusiasm rubbed off and there I was, ready for the flight.

It was not an enjoyable flight for sure, to start with our flight from Chennai was delayed and for innumerable reasons the passage at Mumbai was not pleasant to say the least. Am not looking forward to another international-domestic transfer at Mumbai. Upon landing at Lubumbashi, I was in for a shock. The face of the Airport and the scene it presented were appalling. There cannot be an airport worse than this in any city, definitely needs a major makeover ( have talked in length about the airport in one of my earlier blogs ). Am sure most people would want to head straight to the departure lounge, on arrival. The first impression is the best they say, not so in this case. The city, on our way home came across as old, shattered, dusty, deserted and lacking in infrastructure. When we reached home, the same, a rickety old place with furniture and other wares put in place just for the sake of it. I was disoriented from the journey, felt no excitement, the hope faded away and I heard no more promises. I looked at P and for a change I saw disappointment. I wanted to take the next flight home. I was angry at P for his show of optimism earlier, what was he so optimistic about???

The first day seemed like a bad dream, the second day I realised it was not a dream but a reality, a rude awakening really. We could choose to make it or just return home. P had assured me that we could return to greener pastures if I wanted out. He also believed we would settle down in a couple of days, he was optimistic again. I needed to trust P and not make it harder than it already was. After all he was as disenchanted as I was, probably even more, considering he was promised our basic needs would be taken care off. I remember wishing someone had notified us about the arrangements earlier, we would have been better prepared. I still maintain, we didn’t have much expectation of the place and the facilities when we made the decision to relocate. I believe the process of settling in shouldn’t be this difficult. Is this a price one has to pay for optimism, hope and excitement???

Once we got used to what we had at our disposal and having already come to terms with what we could never have, life became simpler. We made a conscious decision to live life the way we wanted. Comfort was of utmost priority, we decided to make it happen with or without help, we decided not to wait for things to happen. We were never about all work and no play, we made a decision to remain the same in the core. We decided to embrace Lubumbashi and its people. The rewards were visible in an instant. The city all of a sudden became inviting, the landscape became greener, our house became our home, even the plants in the garden began talking nice, my eyes saw the poor and downtrodden but I saw them happy. I was becoming a part of Lubumbashi.

Must admit there are a few worries. Health for example, I know there are health centres that can take care of common ailments, how about more serious issues??? I suffer from a not so common ailment. I might have to go back home if I fall seriously ill. I keep my fingers crossed. When one has to visit a hospital, it does not come cheap. For some of us who travel regularly, we have to wait for a year to do so. Most of us have families and friends who eagerly look forward to our annual visits, so the sightseeing and adventure trips are pushed to the backburner. The lack of public transport is definitely a deterrent, we are dependent on our husbands for the same. Entertainment is restricted to restaurants, grocery shopping, drives through roads travelled frequently, visiting friends and taking part in events and festivals.

When one measures happiness it is not what one does occasionally that counts, it’s the life one lives on a daily basis that becomes the measure. Lubumbashi offers a lot of peace and quiet, life is slow paced with plenty of time to process feelings and decisions. One could choose to become a couch potato or be full of life, one could choose to lead a hectic social life or stay indoors in the warmth of one’s home, there is time and space to enjoy the niceties of life. One just learns how to maneuver around what is available at one’s doorstep. I for one have learnt, life is simply not based on what one does not have but on what one does have. To put it philosophically, Lubumbashi aids personal growth, provides opportunities to discover and understand oneself better and the time to dream and ponder over one’s future.

Lubumbashi may not be everybody’s cup of tea, has certainly been mine. The place is absolutely beautiful, serene and untapped, add peace, comfort and quiet, what else could one ask for.

An experience like no other...

The Pot calling the Kettle 'black' !!!

I have always felt very strongly about this issue and I seethe with anger when people make insensitive remarks about a person’s colour. Racial discrimination is often associated with the western world but are we in a position to judge??? Aren’t Indians racists themselves??? We condone it, we don't have the strictures to punish culprits and we also encourage it. The Pot calling the Kettle black!!!

Living in Africa, it’s embarassing when I am looked at as White. That does not mean am respected for my colour. Like anywhere in the world, Indians belong to a group of intellectuals and traders here. However, we are known more for being petty, miserly and egotistical. We are also known to live unremarkable lives. Our own refer to their staff  and unskilled workers as 'Kale'. Do they not have names or occupations??? Don't they deserve some respect??? It makes me shudder everytime.

Back home in India, I am called ‘black’ by an extended family member, someone, who is a few shades darker than I am. If that is not called racism, what is??? I am asked to use ‘Fair and Lovely’, I refuse because my mirror says I am ‘fair’ and lovely. Has anyone become fair and lovely after use, I would like to know. I have had teachers in school sending me to the sidelines in favour of the fair and lovely. I didn’t realise it till someone pointed it out. I have never paid any attention to my colour or somebody else’s, have never wondered how different it would be if I were light skinned. Credit must be given to my parents for not making me feel any different.

The fact that India is divided into North and South India itself has racial connotations, is it not?? The social and political ethos of the country actually promotes caste, gender and racial discriminations and we are shamelessly not shameful. We have become characterised by reservations. I understand it is difficult to demolish caste systems. However, I see no effort being made in that direction either. Infact, the root of this evil is getting stronger and deeper. The only people who deserve concessions and reservations, in my opinion, are those belonging to the economically backward.

Let’s do a check on the matrimonial advertisements…a cry for a beautiful, slim and fair bride for a boy whose physical attributes don’t find a mention. He may not be Prince Charming but do they care??? I’ve heard eligible men proclaim ignorance when it comes to these advertisements. In my opinion, if they don’t stand up for what they believe in, they are guilty as charged. Ignorance is not bliss. At a wedding how many talk about the bridegroom and his physical attributes, the attention is solely on the bride, from what she wears, her clothes and jewellery, how close she is to that ‘yardstick’ and most importantly her colour. In a conversation, when a man or a woman is being described, one of the first characteristics that is talked about is his or her colour. In India, even in a Man’s world, is ‘tall, dark and handsome’ ever in use??? The ‘dark’ is always substituted by ‘fair’.

The racist attacks on Indians in Australia, sikhs being asked to take off their turbans at airports, muslims being given the dressing down, all of them have been condemned by the Indian Government in the strongest terms. How about starting from our own backyard??? I personally don’t like the term ‘Madrasi’. How can all South Indians be called ‘Madrasis’??? Doesn’t that carry a racial undertone??? What about ‘chinkies’ for North Easterners??? Haven’t they emphasised enough, they don’t approve of it??? How about treating foreigners of African origin right?? Most of them are students who come to India with a lot of expectations, the land of Mahatma Gandhi, the land of non-violence. How many have gone back home with happy memories?? They are ridiculed by adults and children alike, treated like animals and are victims of stares and nasty comments. On the other hand, 'Whites' are treated like Rockstars, people unabashedly patronise them from all directions, much to their annoyance.

The celebrities advocate liberalism, it’s a sign of modern India and they have to be part of it. Frontline Bollywood has a major stake in running the country. Their opinions from politics to sports are on the front pages. People want to see them and politicians exploit their status and vice-versa. A case of ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’. What is to be noticed, one hardly finds these celebrities partnering someone dark skinned or unattractive, whether they are actors , models or cricketers. They are the same group of people who advertise ‘Fair and Lovely’ and also preach liberalism. How bizarre!!!

We live in hypocrisy, where treating another with respect is an assignment, a task, where gender, class, caste and racial discriminations flow in our blood. We learn what our parents teach us. I believe discipline and respect is taught at home, not in school. When kids are not taught to respect humanity, no amount of education or religious beliefs can make their lives right. It’s time to break the cycle and it should start now.

Stop Racial Discrimination!!!